beyond 3 sigma :Essays by Jennifer K. Mulcahy

Romance - Online

A Study of the Internet's Effect on Romance in America

by Jennifer K. Mulcahy

The Internet has trickled down from the military and corporate life into the lives of everyday people, and through its course has effected our lives in virtually countless ways. Although some people may not personally utilize the Internet as much as others do, it still has an influence over the way life is lived and perceived by the majority of westernized society. In addition to revamping the advertising and the business world, the Internet has begun to effect people's personal lives by allowing new forms of communication with friends, family and colleagues worldwide. The changes within the realm of personal life and experience has also gone on to include the meeting of new friends, colleagues and romantic partners though on-line communication. The e purpose of this paper is to explore different places where people interact and meet on the Internet, and to learn the ways in which the medium has changed or effected the way a significant number of people in our society approach and deal with romantic relationships in their own lives, both on- and off-line. While this fairly new form of telecommunication has undoubtedly made several changes in the way many people approach and have romantic relationships, I additionally expect to find that some things really haven't changed in the ways that the sexes interact and proceed through various forms of courtship. By exploring several aspects of the Internet and its various communities and resources, I hope to find some answers and examples to answer these questions.

The Internet is composed of a seemingly endless array of mediums over which to communicate and explore information. Some devices, such as the World Wide Web, act largely as an information library with no actual real-time or personal interaction between two or more people. However, the are many resources on the Internet which do provide both real-time interaction and personal communication between individuals and groups. Often times, people will meet one another in one setting and then go on to communicate with them in a different setting.^F However these interactions may later develop, the first matter at hand is to discover where it is that people initially meet on the Internet.

A common means for people to first interact with each other is in newsgroups. Newsgroups consist of a vast amount of different message bases where Internet users around the world may read and post public messages about virtually any topic imaginable. T here are newsgroups for victims of abuse, sexual addiction, religion, being tall, and basically anything else one could imagine.^F People initially begin reading and posting in newsgroups with topics that interest them. During the messages back and forth in the public forum, a particular person may catch their eye and prompt them to begin either a public discussion on the newsgroup about the related topic, or more commonly to send the other person a private e-mail message.

E-mail, the next step in a newsgroup initiated relationship as well as an extension to other on-line relationships, is also a saved electronic message system which does not allow for instantaneous interaction between the two parties. E-mail allows for candid communication between two people in a textual format, and is used in nearly all on-line romances to some extent. Some people revert solely to e-mail communication after their initial meeting on a newsgroup or IRC. E-mails can be more personally revealing much more quickly than 'in person' communication might be, and it often leads to romantic feelings for the other person involved.^F Katie, a person interviewed in Moore's book, says that e-mail is more intimate than talking on the phone or writing a normal letter. She says:

"For some reason, I can say things more freely. I'm not a very good letter writer, but I'm a good E-mail writer. I think it's the editing. It's not as spontaneous [as talking directly], so you can choose your words more carefully. There have been many messages that we've sent one another where we say, 'If this is really weird, just delete it and we won't bring it up again.' So you can say things in a way that is different than on paper or on the phone."^F

For some people, this careful and time consuming process is not instant enough for the communication they desire. For these people, there are other mediums for them to utilize.

There are, in addition to these static text-based mediums of communication, also more immediately interactive types of Internet programs which allow for instant communication of text back and forth. One of these programs is IRC, or Internet Relay Chat.

The actual layout of IRC differs depending on your software, but it basically consists of different IRC servers which each contain a number of channels or rooms with different topic areas set. Once one connects to an IRC server, he or she may find out which channels are offered by a simple "/list" command. He or she may then join a channel with a topic that interests him or her, or even create a channel of his or her own. In the IRC environment, lines of text scroll by, with the name of the user who posted them at the front of the message. One can then reply to the scroll on the screen, or choose a person that looks particularly interesting and post a private IRC message to them. IRC, then, is a place where both public and private instantaneous chat takes place. One activity that is often found on IRC is "cybersex". Moore describes cybersex to be "talking dirty real time, describing various sexual acts in chronological and intimate detail, with a partner who could be anything or anyone you could possibly imagine".^F Cybersex happens on IRC rather than through e-mail and newsgroups because "cybersex needs to be spontaneous and instantaneous, not remote and sporadic".^F Other forms of less sexually explicit communication also happens on IRC for this s reason, as well.

Another similar instantaneous form of textual communication is the MUD, or Multi-User Dungeons. This is actually a role-playing game in which people create characters and actually play a fantasy game with these characters, interacting with other characters. Both public and private chat occurs on this medium, too, however. Private rooms are created, in addition to private ones, and public as well as private messages are sent, real-time, to other users on the MUD. Much time can be spent on the MUD, because when one is not chatting with other users, the game is played. Monsters are killed and similar quests are undergone. There is always something to do on the MUD, which makes it often addictive.^F

Who actually is likely to form on-line relationships? Jaffe, Lee, Huang and Oshagan conducted a study which found that women tend to form more relationships on-line (including friendships) than men,^F this may just be because more women are looking for t hat kind of thing on-line than men are. People of all ages form relationships on-line as well, and these relationships often get very involved and intimate.

Relationships that begin on-line almost always migrate to another setting on the Internet as well as to telephone calls and actual person-to-person meetings.^F The goals of an on-line couple usually do include the ultimate meeting "in RL" (in real life), although Moore states in his book on this topic, "understand that you should never, ever suggest to someone who plays on such computer role-playing games (the MUD) that these games are not real life, or you will be called horrible names".^F There are a few exceptions to the `in RL" rule, though, as in the case of `e-mail affairs' and some `cybersex' that really have no wanted future in the person's actual `real life'. These cases have some of their own problems, though, as I shall examine a bit later.

There are some problems with on-line communication which are nearly universal amongst the various Internet communities and settings. These problems manifest themselves fully under the attempts at creating and maintaining romantic relationships over these mediums.

The first problem is the basic limitations of a purely textual transmission. Inflections of the voice and gestures of body language are lost in the highly subjective art of on-line communication. In an attempt to remedy this problem, "emoticons" or "smileys" have been invented. These are sideways representations of facial expressions using normal keyboard keys to express emotion within text. For example, :) is a smile, :( is a frown, ;) expresses flirtatiousness (a wink) or a joking manner, >:( is angry, and so forth.^F While these ASCII creations help communicate emotional inflections to some extent, miscommunication is still a very large problem in maintaining on-line romances. Unfortunately, I know this from experience, and I have heard many of my on-line friends complain of similar maladies. In person, my boyfriend and I never fight and rarely even argue. However, we're people of few words by nature, and being forced to communicate through text over the Internet results in frequent misunderstandings and fights over stupid things resulting from miscommunication. Without verbal inflections or body language or any other external clues, speech can take on a number of meanings. A danger of this is that where stimuli is missing, the mind often fills in what is thought to be true. In other words, a statement such as : "You have a beautiful face." could be taken to be sarcastic, chauvinistic, insincere or sweet all depending on what the reader was feeling or thinking at that given moment. This kind of miscommunication can multiply as the conversation goes on, with each new statement brimming with potential for misinterpretation. A relationship which relies heavily on textual communication is burdened and threatened by these problems because communication in a relationship is absolutely vital.^F

A second problem with textual communication of a static nature (newsgroups and e-mail). In a newsgroup or e-mail situation, it can take days and sometimes even weeks for a message to be received. This naturally cuts down the spontaneity of the response as well as allowing a lot of time to elapse during a thread of conversation, making it difficult to keep up with. Sometimes things might change over the days or weeks between messages and it can be too time consuming to keep things up to date between messages. Even for the very patient, messages that take a long time to process usually result in less satisfying communication.^F

Another problem found in on-line communication only effects instantaneous communication like IRC or the MUD. This problem is referred to as "lag", and another related problem is known as a "netsplit". "Lag is the delay between when you type something an d when others see it, due mainly to a delay in communication between servers".^F As a user of IRC, I have directly experienced lag and have seen its detrimental effects on communication. In the middle of an important conversation, it is common for lag to strike, turning a supposedly instantaneous form of communication into a struggle to type and keep the line of conversation going through seconds and sometimes minutes of lag time. During a serious discussion, this can be incredibly frustrating and detrimental to the content of the conversation in the long run. Lag has been known to make people angry and frustrated, effecting the things they type. As it is often heard on IRC, "ACK! @%$#^%LAG!"^F Netsplits are less common but also wreck havoc on conversations on IRC. "A netsplit is when the connection between servers is broken, splitting IRC up into two separate IRC networks."^F This basically means that users on different IRC servers get separated without notice. The effects on a conversation in this instance are obvious.

MUDs present a problem which is prevalent on the Internet but especially so in this particular program because of the nature of its purpose. Multi-User Dungeons are a role-playing environment by nature. This means that their actual purpose is to create characters and play a role in a story with them. However, with the chat capabilities of MUDs, people do end up flirting and forming `relationships' with other characters. The confusion that arises surrounds the question of whether the relationship is ` real' or if it is just part of the act in role playing. This uncertainty also exists throughout the Internet, of course, due to the ambiguous nature of the medium. One cannot see who is really behind their `handle' or nickname on-line. Misrepresentation on the Internet is easily done and common. People can take on multiple identities far different from their true selves in real life.^F The fuzzy line that divides the real and the pretend on the MUDs can be shown in a couple examples from people I personally interviewed.

One MUD user I talked to began MUDing during his first semester of college. Jerry was rather shy in real life and really took to the MUD because he felt more eloquent in its environment. He started receiving flirtatious messages from a female user, who I'll call Kitty. They began to talk privately, and soon he began to spend about 10 hours a day on the MUD talking to her. Their relationship moved to the telephone as well, declaring their undying love and making plans to meet in person. Finally after a semester of failed classes and long nights on the MUD, Jerry flew to Utah to see Kitty. She greeted him at the airport in a very platonic manner and hardly spent any time with him during his stay. Jerry found out too late that Kitty had indeed been p laying a character on the MUD the entire time, and that her love and feelings were just part of her role in the game. Although it is confusing as to why she would agree to meet him in real life if this was the case, the story struck me as a stark example of one of the dangers of the MUD.^F

Another MUD user I actually interviewed on IRC had a very different story to tell. There are some MUDs which are based upon certain fantasy settings. QPorcupine frequents a MUD called "FurryMuck", a role playing environment based upon anthropomorphs. Anthropomorphs are animals which take on humanoid qualities, and they are often depicted in cartoon fashion (like Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and the like). QPorcupine truly believes that he is a porcupine trapped in a human body, and he seeks out others with a similar plight. He says, "The Internet helps me cope because I can at least be seen for what I am... but I am still hindered by Real Life." He met his boyfriend on this MUD a month ago. His boyfriend is a rat trapped inside a human body, and the nature of their relationship is quite unusual. I asked him if he intended on meeting his boyfriend in real life someday, seeing as he lives 2000 miles away from him. QPorcupine replied, "Even if we could get together in RL we would still be constrained to our human forms. In RL I don't think it would be nearly as good (as on the MUD). You see, on the MUD you can do whatever you want really.. like be hermaphroditic for example..". He goes on to say that he would like to meet his boyfriend someday, though , "even if that would destroy the ideas we've built up in our minds about what the other looks like... I only see him as a rat and I'm sure he only sees me as a porcupine". In this example, the relationship between the two MUD users is purposely role-played, and real life interaction is seen as harmful to the basis of the relationship itself.^F

There are several notable differences in the forming of romantic relationships on-line. The most obvious and perhaps the most important is the lack of visual and usually even aural information about the person whom one falls in love with. This can be seen as both a positive and negative phenomenon. Moore says, "The good thing about the Net is that it removes the dependence on physical looks for your impressions of people; the bad thing about the Net is that it removes the dependence on physical looks for your impressions on people."^F The IRC Couple's homepage has a link to the Pros of On-line Love, and one page is called "Falling in Love With a Mind, Not a Body."^F While this sounds good in theory, it is still human nature to create a mental image o f the person with whom they are speaking. This can lead to falling in love with an image of the person that you create rather than seeing the person for what he or she really is. In Mark Dery's book Escape Velocity, he quotes a woman as saying,

"The idea of falling in love with a person purely through writing seems to me to cast some light on the whole concept of falling in love. We do tend to fall in love with some image of the person that we have created in our own minds. Ways that people react on-line, coupled with one's own conditioning, create that image."^F

Sometimes computer graphic representations of a photograph are traded through e-mail, which is a good idea in order to brace oneself before the actual meeting. One problem that is also often neglected is the possibility that the two people will not be physically attracted to one another in real life. Offit states that "virtual love affairs can run into real trouble when the communicators, who obviously share mental rapport, turn out to have little or no physical compatibility".^F Although it sounds noble to claim that physical attraction and real life interaction cannot change the love one finds on-line through the mind and soul of the person (actually textual representations of thought), in actuality it is indeed a real problem.

Another difference is the opportunities for people to meet people with similar interests to their own. Instead of meeting only a few people in a local mall or bar, people all over the world can be found. It's easier to find someone with similar interests to your own on the Internet than in real life, because there are message bases and IRC channels with specific topics that are discussed.^F Instead of just taking what you can find in a limited environment, one can carefully select a mate from millions of Internet users based upon common interests.

People who are normally too shy to open up to someone are more willing to take risks in such a safe environment as the Internet. In fact, it is likely much easier for most people to open up a lot more easily and more quickly to a potential mate on-line than it is for them to do this in person. A girl I interviewed on IRC told me that before the Internet, she had a hard time meeting young men due to her insecurity and shyness. On IRC, Saxy was able to reach out with less risk involved and less judgment based upon her looks and social skills. Saxy feels much more at ease chatting on IRC than she does in person, especially when she first gets to know people. Since starting to IRC in February of this year, she has formed three on-line romances, all of which became real life realities. She also finds that the kinds of men she meets on IRC are different. She says that they understand what she is like and what she cares about, and that the men she meets are often as shy and socially awkward as she is in real life. Without the Internet, these shy-couple combinations might never happen due to lack of initiative or courage, but with the Internet they are made not only possible, but likely.^F

One difficult and melancholic difference between many relationships begun in real life and on-line is that on-line relationships are far more likely to be long distance relationships. This makes for physical loneliness and in large phone bills and travel costs for many people. In life before the Internet, relationships really had no way to begin as long distance, except a possibly similar instance of meeting someone on vacation somewhere. When relationships start out lonely from the start, it can cause much pain for the couple involved.^F

Unfortunately, one thing that remains similar both on- and off-line is sexual harassment. The on-line world is composed mostly of males.^F Men often dominate newsgroup discussions, using the phrase "What you mean is..." in order to redefine the woman's reply and take control over the topic and situation.^F Especially in topics related to electronics and computers, men always assume that women know nothing of the topic.^F Men also are known to hit on any handle that looks even remotely feminine, and the y are often very rude in their attentions. Spender relates a story of a young woman named Margie who went on a MUD and was confronted with the message, "Oh, I heard you were real easy, I heard you spread like peanut butter." When she responded, "Look, I consider this harassment.", he replied "You're a bitch." This demeaning attitude towards women in cyberspace is all too common. Thankfully, many women avoid forming relationships with these men, yet the presence of such harassment discourages women fro m coming on-line at all. After her own dealings with sexual harassment on the Internet, Margie came to the conclusion that "for girls to survive in cyberspace was often too difficult; it was easier to quit.^F This plays an important role in the formation of on-line heterosexual and lesbian relationships because in order to form them, the women must be on the Net to begin with.

One issue that exists both on and off-line is that of infidelity. Cheating on spouses and girlfriends and boyfriends exists in both worlds, but there is some debate over whether or not on-line cheating or `e-mail affairs' truly constitute being unfaithful. Offit says of "extramarital e-mail", "It needn't be hotly erotic to arouse jealousy, although sometimes--like telephone sex--it can be quite explicit...(sometimes) the correspondence is only indirectly sexual, yet the couple feels sufficiently guilty and sensitive to keep their electronic liaison a secret."^F In an article entitled, "Virtual Immorality", George Topp describes his own e-mail affair and debates whether or not it was truly adultery. While he says that there was no penetration or even physic al contact of any kind, it can't be completely innocent because if his wife were to do a "virtual lap dance" on "someone else's laptop (computer)", he would be more than a little "virtually pissed".^F

The Internet is a series of communities and mediums over which people can communicate globally. This medium provides potential relationships that have some differences from traditional courtship and relationships, some of which can be seen as positive changes and some of which are viewed mainly as negative effects of the medium. In addition, the Internet shares some traits with old-fashioned approaches to and attitudes concerning relationships. The Internet has a noticeable and relevant effect on the way relationships are developed and maintained in the 1990's, and we can study and learn the effects the Internet has on this facet of our society. However, some rules and norms regarding male and female behavior during courtship and romantic interactions has remained largely the same, leaving us a fascinating mixture of comfort of known territory and the excitement of uncharted frontiers.

Comments? Questions? I'd love to hear from you. Email me at skie@beyond3sigma.com.

Personal Update: It may be interesting to note that my own cyber romance became "IRL" in 1997, after 1.5 years of long distance internet communication. After building the foundation of our relationship online, our relationship actually suffered once we were able to see and interact with each other on a more tactile level. (Additionally, shortly before he relocated close to where I lived, it was revealed that he had been lying to me about his age (he was much younger than he'd said) for the entire time we'd been together, among other critical things, which did put an additional strain on the relationship). We gave it our best shot, but we did end up breaking up in 1999. It may also be interesting to note that for well over 2 years after our breakup, neither of us had serious relationships, and the ones we had attempted during this time period had all been long distance, casual relationships with primarily internet communication.

Bibliography: (Note: All links were valid in 1996.)

http://jcmc.huji.ac.il/vol1/issue4/parks.html#Challenges - "Making Friends in Cyberspace", by Malcolm R. Parks and Kory Floyd.

The Emperor's Virtual Clothes. Moore, Dinty W. New York: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 1995.

http://web2.airmail.net/walraven/cosmo.html - "Are You Ready For Virtual Love?... A psychiatrist looks at cybersex" by Avodah Offit.

http://research.haifa.ac.il/-jmjaffe/genderpseduocmc.html - "Gender, Pseudonymns, and CMC: Masking Identities and Baring Souls", by J. Michael Jaffe, Young-Eum Lee, Lining Huang and Hayg Oshagan

http://www.cybersurf.co.uk/~carrott/framedex.html - Cons [of Online Love]

http://www.cybersurf.co.uk/~carrott/framedex.html - "The Lag Monster" by Dr. Paul Kinsler.

http://www.cybersurf.co.uk/~carrott/framedex.html - Falling in Love With a Mind, Not a Body.

Escape Velocity. Dery, Mark. New York: Grove Press, 1996

http://www.cybersurf.co.uk/~carrott/framedex.html - IRC Couples Homepage

Nattering on the Net.. Spender, Dale. North Melbourne, Vic, Spinifex Press, 1995.

http://www.cybersurf.co.uk/~carrott/linkdex.html - "Virtual Immorality" by George Topp.

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