beyond 3 sigma :Essays by Jennifer K. Mulcahy

The Impact of Parental Marriage and Divorce On Children's Own Views About Love and Marriage

by Jennifer K. Mulcahy

Children are inevitably effected by the environment they grow up in. Parents
often serve as role models, and they certainly have at least some impact on their children. Children learn about the world by watching adults interact with one another, absorbing stimuli in order to make sense of their world. Ideas and concepts regarding morals, reality, and values are formed based upon the stimuli received. In speculation of this theory, one may consider the institution of marriage and the concepts of love and relationships and the effect that a child's parents have upon the development of such views. An important consideration in such a question is how parental divorce effects children's views on love and marriage. Initially, I thought that children of divorce may
have a fear of marriage and commitment, yet as I thought about it, it occurred to me that perhaps children of divorce would somehow appreciate marriage more than children whose parents had never gotten divorced and who had taken marriage for granted all their lives. The answer to this question is, of course, not completely straightforward and easily interpreted. However, based on the data I collected in my interviews and through my research, I have come to some conclusions regarding this question. Some of the results I obtained were somewhat unexpected, especially from the children whose parents
had never gotten divorced. One universal reaction I obtained from all my interviews was the notion that children did not want to follow in their parents' footsteps and have the sort of relationship their parents have had. In addition, children of divorce are in general more likely to seek out meaningful, lasting relationships than are children of unbroken homes, and are also more interested in getting married themselves than are the children
of unbroken marriage.

To obtain my data, I interviewed an two people each who fit the following
categories: males whose parents had been divorced, males whose parents were still married, females whose parents had been divorced, and females whose parents were still married. I asked a set list of questions which dealt with issues such as descriptions of their home life, their age at their parents' divorce, the cause of divorce in the children's opinion, their parents' and stepparents' relationships, information about the child's own history of romantic relationships, the child's views on marriage, divorce and remarriage and the child's own opinion about the effects of his/her parents' relationship upon their
own views about love and marriage. I have changed the subjects' names in order to protect their identity and preserve their confidence. As an additional resource, I read some books and articles on this subject in order to apply them to the analysis of my own data.

The home lives of my subjects were varied among the children of divorce. Before the divorce, Larry, an eighteen year old whose parents divorced at age eight, felt that his family was very happy together and loving, "it had a feeling of a real family". Marvin, age twenty-one whose parents split up at the age of sixteen, also describes his pre-divorce family to be "very loving", but added that his "parents didn't love each other". Shelly, also age twenty-one, was only two years old at the time of her parents' separation, too young to remember the atmosphere of her home life. Karol, age twenty-one, described her home life before her parents' divorce at age fifteen as a world or turmoil and fear:

There was constant arguing between my parents. My father was an alcoholic
and physically abusive to us children; and to my mother sometimes. It seemed
the only time my parents ever got along was when they were out drinking, but
even that backfired sometimes.

This varied response regarding pre-divorce households demonstrates the variety of settings in which divorce may occur. The reaction of children to the divorce of their parents depends at least partially upon the home life that they have experienced up to the divorce.

Reactions to parental divorce as an impact on the home life of the family were
varied as well, and not entirely predictable. Shelly says of her post-divorce experience that she "only saw (her) father once or twice a year. (She) really hated that." Larry and Marvin both report being only slightly emotionally effected by the divorce, which came as a surprise to me in the light of their descriptions of a loving, wonderful home life before the divorce. Larry comments, "I could see my Dad every weekend or anytime, as they didn't divorce hating each other." Marvin adds, "I went away to college shortly after
the divorce, so my home life atmosphere didn't change much." In contrast, Karol says, "the divorce was actually a relief to me", which is understandable based on the abuse she endured before the divorce. Larry's young age at the time of his parents' divorce made his claim plausible. Judith S.Wallerstein, Ph.D„ and Sandra Blakeslee note that young children of divorce "feel less nostalgia for what was lost and have fewer memories of turmoil and conflict stemming from the separation". 1 Marvin, however, seems to be in some sort of denial based solely on numerical data. His parents divorced at age sixteen,
and he did not go away to college until age eighteen. Those two years must have had some sort of impact on him, yet he insisted on the answer that he had given. I am mentioning this as a reminder that the answers received in interviews are colored by the desires and motives of the subject interviewed, and may have some vital truths lacking. However, taking this into consideration, the data still holds some value no matter what the circumstances, especially upon the understanding of the child's own point of view of his/her experience.

In the group whose parents' never divorced, home life was described in a similar fashion by each subject. Tom, age twenty-three, says that he tries "to stay away from the home as much as possible," and that his "relationship with (his) parents is very shallow". Fred, age twenty-one, describes his home life as peaceful but not particularly loving or deeply emotional. Sally, age fifteen, says, "My home life is weird, ..none of us really like each other except for my parents. They like each other." Mary, age nineteen, describes her home life as very conservative, which she denotes with a negative connotation by adding that "it is very hard for (her) to relate to (her parents) because they are very
conservative in their thoughts and values." In summary, the home lives of this group of children is seen as undesirable even though their parents are still married. This data will explain some of the other information obtained from this group later in the study.

When asked the cause, in their own opinions, of their parents' divorces, the
children of divorce responded in ways that correlated with their descriptions of home life. Larry recalls that he didn't really know what caused his parents' divorce, but adds that he thinks it "was that regular 'this doesn't work anymore' thing." Marvin states that his parents' had "no love, no passion", and that their relationship had gone "stale". Shelly says bitterly, " In my opinion, my father was cheating on my morn with my seventeen year old baby-sitter, whom he is married to now. My mother never cheated. I drew my own conclusions." Karol lists several reasons for her parents' breakup:

Infidelity. They were extremely young when they got married and didn't know each other well enough, and one of the reasons they got married was because my mother was pregnant with my older sister. My mother's severe mental illness and lies about my father (were a cause of the divorce). My father's alcoholism, absence at home, and need to go through a second childhood (were also causes). (My parents) didn't have anything in common!

By keeping these reasons in mind, we will be better equipped to interpret the effects of divorce and parental relationship on the childrens' own views.

The next topic was to describe one's parents' relationships. In the divorce group, Larry says that they were always and still are good friends, "both help each other, no bad feelings at all." He adds in emphasis of this point, "even my morn and my dad's new wife are good friends." Marvin also has parents who, although divorced, are platonic friends. He describes their relationship as being "platonic, unloving, and passionless." Shelly tells us that her parents "are kind and polite to each other, but there isn't really any affection on (her mother's) side." However, her father "always asks how she (her mother) is and still seems to care." Karol says that her parents have virtually no contact with each other anymore, but describes their pre-divorce relationship as "full of arguing", but adds that "they seemed close at times" and that "the times they did get along they seemed so much in love." These statements are interesting in the fact that they give an idealistic or romantic quality to their parent's relationship, despite the divorce. The boys seem to view the breakup as a completely amiable encounter, resulting in the ex-spouses being the best of friends, while the two girls seem to romanticize certain aspects of their parents' relationships. This may be explained by or at least tied into a point made by
Judith S. Wallerstein, Shauna B. Corbin and Julia M. Lewis, who write that children of divorce were often committed to "values that include romantic love and fidelity".2 This phenomenon will be demonstrated further in the data collected from the rest of the study.

Also to be taken into consideration is the presence of secondary relationships of the parents who have been divorced, whether it be remarriage or simply a dating companion. Seeing that divorce is not the end of romantic life may give new hope to some children when viewing their own romantic futures. Larry says the following about his stepparents situation:

My mom is living alone. Although she has met someone, it is nothing serious.
Things are working well with my dad and his new wife. Even though they had
some misunderstandings in the beginning, everything has worked itself out.
They love each other and that's a good thing.

Larry has two different views shown to him about life after divorce. That of non-
commitment, and that of a new marriage. With both of these situations as guides, it is difficult to predict the effect of post-divorce relationships on his own relationships.

Marvin relates that he has no stepparents. His mother has an "on and off boyfriend". He goes on to say that his mother was hoping for a "Prince Charming" to come along and "sweep her off her feet" and save her, but that this man does not fit this expectation. As a result, she cannot discern how it is she really feels about this man. Marvin also says that his father has no romantic involvements whatsoever, and is concentrating on his career. From observing this data, one would expect Marvin to have a distant, unsure attitude about love. As we probe further, we will see whether or not these assumptions are correct.

Shelly is very brief in telling me about her stepparents. She says that her mother and stepfather are now divorced, and that her stepmother, who was the baby-sitter that her father was unfaithful with, left her father five months ago. She seems disgusted with her parents for not being able to stay with anyone. Wallerstein and Blakeslee say that children of divorce "remain intensely critical of parents who they feel have betrayed the marriage", and are "disdainful of concepts like serial monogamy".3 I believe that these statements relate directly to Shelly's attitude about her parents and stepparents.

Karol has had quite a different experience with stepparents than Shelly has. She says enthusiastically:

Not only is there love between my parents and stepparents, but they actually get
along and each of them likes to do the same things together. For example, my
father and stepmother like to party and enjoy the bar room scene, and my mother
and stepfather love nature and love to go camping, ..even if it's only forty degrees
outside!

This shows Karol that a happy marriage is, indeed, possible. This experience has had a strong effect on Karol's views on love and marriage, as we shall see further evidence of in later discussion.

The relationships of still-married parents were described with a bit of variation.
Tom says, "I cannot say that my parents seem like they really love each other, but I cannot really say. Sometimes it seems like they cant stand each other, and other times they are drunk and watching T.V..." Fred has the following to say about his parents' relationship:

My parents seem to get along well enough. They've been married for over twenty-five years, and by that point, if you don't know most of the quirks about a person, I don't think you ever will. The only real strife in their relationship has been about money. A couple of times, one of them changed jobs or lost their job, and their was a fair amount of tension until the financial situation was
secure again. Other than that, no real problems.

Sally thinks a moment before responding to my question, then says, "My parents love each other, I guess. They are not affectionate in front of us; I don't know how they are alone." Out of this group, Mary seems to have the most confident opinion about her parents' relationship. She says:

I am amazed at the strength of my parents' relationship. They have been
married for twenty-three years, and I think that they will be together forever.
Although they quibble sometimes, they never really fight. You can just tell how
much they care about each other.

With the exception of Mary, the children of married parents seem to view their parents' relationship with a measure of mystery. Even Mary seems to be vague in her telling, almost sounding as if she may be saying these things out of the assumption that if her parents are still married after all these years that they must be happy. Whatever the reasoning, this lack of involvement and awareness of the world of their parents' marriage comes into play when we study the romantic relationships of the children whose parents have never been divorced.

The personal romantic histories and involvements of both the children of divorce
and the children of unbroken homes are vital to understanding the effects of parents' relationships upon their children. In our children of divorce group, Larry says that he doesn't have a very extensive history of romantic relationships, and adds that he was getting to know one recently but that they "broke up because it simply didn't work out." From what we know of Larry, we can see that his reasoning for his parents' divorce is exactly the same reason he broke up with his girlfriend. Therefore, it appears that the casual, detached attitude that he picked up as a young child from his parents is still deeply effecting the way he deals with relationships. Wallerstein and Blakeslee write that "many young men...seem to be able to shut their emotions away".4 Although Larry
may view marriage as a possibility in his future, he may be unsure of how to take the step to become seriously involved with a girl, or see it as something always in his distant future rather than something attainable to him anytime in his foreseeable and close future.

Marvin's experience with women has been of a somewhat different nature than
Larry's, yet the undertones of distance and self-protection are also very prevalent here. Marvin has a history of unusually early sexual experience, beginning intercourse at age fourteen. His teenage years were considerably sexually promiscuous, with no serious relationships mentioned. Marvin tells me that he is "searching for passion", and admits to having sexual relations with platonic friends as a common occurrence. At the time that we spoke, he was having a sexual affair with a platonic friend whom he felt that he might be in love with. This friend is the steady girlfriend of another of his close friends. When I asked him if he felt that he was betraying his friend by doing this, he seemed to wonder why I would ask such a thing, and said that the friend doesn't own the girl. I backed down shortly after this, respecting his opinions. However, it seems evident to me that Martin sees his parents' passionless marriage and the lack of romantic happiness in their present situations as something to avoid at all costs. Perhaps he feels that commitment would kill the passion that he seeks so desperately. In addition to this, Wallerstein and Blakeslee believe that divorce may have an effect on the control a teenager may have over his/her sexual impulses. "As youngsters deal with the impulses
of increasing sexual maturity, they need to know that the world has stability, that there is right and wrong, give and take."5 Perhaps this, too, has an impact on the way Marvin approaches his sexuality.

Shelly's case is an interesting one. I know Shelly through a friend, and thus have heard more about her current romantic situation than she is aware of. When I asked her to tell me about her history of romantic relationships, she said:

I haven't had many before my current relationship. The ones before were very short-lived. I am in love with my boyfriend, and we've been together for over
three years. ..I now realize that a relationship can work provided there is communication, mutual trust, and mutual respect.

I am not sure how much Shelly is actually aware of about her current relationship, but it is well known that her boyfriend cheats on her all the time with various one night stands as well as having a second girlfriend on the side near the military base where he is stationed. People have tried to tell her about it, but I am not sure if she is actually in denial, very naive, or just doesn't want to be a failure at a relationship like her parents. I find it particularly interesting that her father cheated on her mother, which she finds appalling. It seems almost as if her boyfriend is a sort of father-figure to her in his similarity of what she knows about her father. Perhaps she is trying fix things in her past somehow by finding a boyfriend who is similar to her father and trying to correct what her mother may have done wrong. Later, when we talk about attitudes about marriage, additional parallel ideas about Shelly's situation will surface.

Karol speaks of two relationships, one of which she is currently involved in. Of
her first relationship, she says:

I, myself, was in an abusive relationship, both physically and verbally, the way my father was. I was always looking for someone to settle down with. I never liked the idea of dating multiple people at a time. I always thought that one of the goals in my life was to find a mate to share life with.

In Second Chances, Wallerstein and Blakeslee studied a girl with a similar situation. Her father had abused her, and she in turn became romantically involved with abusive men. The two authors write, "She understands that while the divorce freed her mother, it did not free her; her adult relationships are sadly governed by her early childhood experiences." 6 Deborah, the girl being discussed, is quoted as saying, "I felt abandoned. I lacked good role models on my father's end and my relationships with men are definitely a problem. I felt like an outcast early on. ..But my boyfriend really loves me. I know he cares about me because he hits me." 7 In the first part of her statement, she seems to admit that there is something wrong with the way she deals with relationships, yet her final statement seems to wipe all that seeming understanding away as we see her true perspective on her love relationships and what is means to be loved. I use this example in order to catch a possible glimpse into what Karol may have felt in the past while she was living it, rather than in retrospect. Wallerstein and Blakeslee offer little hope for Deborah's emergence from her dark world of abuse because "she finds pleasure and excitement in her violent relationships".8 Karol, on the other hand, appears sincere and genuine when she tells of her current, nonviolent relationship:

My second relationship is with a man who I have so much in common with and
am not afraid to share anything with. We are engaged to be married. We do live
together in our own home.. he was my best friend in high school and is still me
best friend as my future husband..

Karol seems to have gotten past her need for violence in relationships. Of course, I only know what she has told me, and she could be hiding something. However, she seems very healthy mentally and physically to me, and based on her enthusiasm in doing her interview, I am inclined to believe that she speaks the truth. She seems proud of her current relationship, and proud of herself. In light of this, there is hope for breaking the cycle of abuse.

From our group of children from married parents, Tom explains his history of
romantic relationships as "empty dreams and false hopes". He hesitates before elaborating on this statement, but eventually says that he has never had any romantic encounter of any kind. It seems he had interest in girls, but has very low self-esteem. He tells of not being able to initiate anything, almost as if he feels as if he is extremely lacking or different from the rest of his peers. Something I found very intriguing was that Fred tells of an almost identical romantic history. He says coolly, "Not applicable. Anybody I was interested in was either seeing someone else or was unavailable for some reason or another." Fred does not admit to any self-esteem problems, but he seems quite defensive and aloof in his answers. This could be a front to hide underlying insecurity. Both young men come from families where their parents have been married for over twenty years. I could not find any additional research dealing with this particular phenomenon, so I can only speculate as to what it might mean. Tom sees his parents' relationship as a sort of trap, to which he may find loneliness and solitude preferable. Fred sees his parents' marriage as a vague benevolence of some sort, something he has never really had to deal with. People generally fear the unknown. Perhaps children of divorce are more open to romantic relationships because the issue of romance and relationships is one they are forced to look at when their parents' situation fails and often takes off in new directions. Also, people from married backgrounds may see marriage as a permanent, inescapable prison, which may lead to fear of commitment.

The two girls from this group who I interviewed did not seem to have the same
problem as the young men had, yet some of the same problems were discernible even in the girls' histories. Sally says, "I've been the outcast type all through middle school." She relates to me a story about her first boyfriend in eight grade, "We had a lack of communication, and the relationship wasn't so great, but it was a nice friendship. We broke up mutually because we were really only friends and hadn't even kissed in the five months went out." She then bitterly recalls a "dork" she went out with for two weeks, followed by almost a year of flirting with "some stupid guys". She then met another
boyfriend, whom she went out with for six weeks. What she says of this relationship is striking to me, "I thought I loved him. ..really. But he was acting like a different person than was his own personality. We broke up and I hate Ilim." A week later. Sally began going out with her current boyfriend. Of him she says, "He was very nice to me during and after my breakup with my ex, and it was all I could do to keep from running away to a deserted island with him to live forever. That's the way it's been for the last five months." Sally appears to have had several false starts in her romantic history, which could be attributed to the great changes and development adolescents go through. It also
seems, following the idea from the last two examples we saw, that Sally may have been relatively clueless about the workings of love relationships because her parents had never made an issue out of their own relationship. Sally fumbled her way along and tried out various approaches to romantic relationships, and was glowing with happiness at the time of our interview when she spoke of her current romance. Perhaps her brave ventures to discover what romantic relationships are all about has paid off. However, Sally is very young, so it is likely that she will continue to learn and change as she grows older.

Mary also seems to have followed a similar path to Sally by abstaining from
relationships in her earlier years and then experimenting with brief, casual relationships. She says:

Well, I never really had a boyfriend until sophomore year of high school. I had a few relationships, but nothing serious- only lasting two months or less. In the beginning of junior year I started seeing this guy who I ended up staying with for a year and a half, right up until the beginning of last summer. I thought I was in love with him..I know I really cared about him, but now I am not sure that I really loved him. For the past four years, I have been in a serious relationship that has a very interesting twist: he is seventeen years older than I am. Even though we face many obstacles, the love we share is very strong, and I hope I am with him for a very long time.

I find it relevant that both Sally and Mary say that they thought they loved their last boyfriend, but really didn't in retrospect. Also, both are very excited and confident about their present relationships. Perhaps each relationship they enter has to be their first true love in order for it to be acceptable to their conceptions of what love is. Their parents married once, and that may represent the singularity of love in their minds. Perhaps they are afraid to admitting that they have made a mistake in love, and if it wasn't really love then it doesn't matter that it failed. In this way, fear of failure seems to correlate with the behavior of the two young men from the parents-married group. As for the age difference between Mary and her boyfriend, based on what I know about her I can only attribute that to a wish to have a different relationship than her parents have.

How children of divorce feel about marriage, divorce and remarriage is an important question to consider in order to understand their parents' relationships' effects upon them. However, one must keep in mind that the answers to these questions may be optimistic ideals rather than how they will act in actuality, because none of them have been married yet. Larry says of marriage, "It's a good thing, if they are ready to live together, as it might be a lot different than just meeting with each other even daily. If they really love each other, and they like being with each other, I say go for it." When asked if he could see himself ever getting married, he said "Sure, it won't be a big surprise when it happens." Larry holds a somewhat distant, casually optimistic view on
marriage, which fits well with the similar way he has explained both his parents' and his own romantic relationships. On divorce, he says it is an unfortunate situation because "both of them have used so much time and love for each other, and suddenly everything is ripped apart." He says that he would try to work things out before getting a divorce, but that ultimately "it's better than long lasting hurt with someone who doesn't understand you at all." On remarriage, he comments that "if both of them have divorced, they might have learned something about understanding and it might be a really good marriage." Larry does not see divorce as a failure on the part of adults, which is an important observation to take note of.

Also optimistic yet much more brief in his answers was Marvin, who simply
responded "(Both marriage and remarriage) can be great with the right people", that his parents came from a different generation where people got married young, and that "divorce is acceptable if it makes the people's lives better who choose to do it". He said only "yes" to my inquiries about the possibility of his own marriage, divorce and remarriage. He seems to pride himself on being open minded, yet he does not seem to want to justify his answers. Based on his generally restrained responses to the other questions in the interview, these answers were not unpredictable.

Shelly says that she wants to get married in five to seven years to her current
boyfriend, and she feels that with effort, marriage can be made to last. She says, "When or if I get married, I am determined to make it work. I don't want to be divorced especially if there are children". Of divorce she says, "I really don't agree with divorce unless the relationship is abusive in anyway", and would herself never get divorced unless her husband was verbally, emotionally or physically abusive. She believes that remarriage is good if it makes people happy. The interesting part about Shelly's answers is the part about being determined to make marriage work. She may be trying to fix the situation that her parents had through her own relationship, which we have already learned is strikingly similar to her own relationship with her boyfriend. Wallerstein and Blakeslee studied a child of divorce who could not bring herself to leave a destructive, unhappy relationship. The girl said, "I could never do to anybody what happened to my morn (leaving him)", and she also says, "in some important part of me I believe I can change him. I feel compelled to keep trying".~ From this information, it appears that Shelly may be perfectly aware of the infidelity of her boyfriend, but may just be unwilling or emotionally unable to end the relationship. Whether she is trying to fix her parents* past, afraid to admit relationships failure, or simply following the only path she has ever seen and known, one can only speculate. It is my conclusion, however, that all of these reasons are incorporated.

Karol has the following to say about marriage:

I believe in marriage but only for the right reasons. I feel that we (she and her
fiancée) know each other very well. We lived together for three years with his
parents, two of which he was away at college. We just recently bought our own
home and have been together for a total of three and a half years.

Karol's opinion about marriage is echoed by Wallerstein and Blakeslee:

To avoid their parents' mistakes, they tell us that they will live with the person
they love before getting married. They all agree - again as if by collusion - that
marriages should not happen early and impulsive marriages should be
avoided. 10

Karol has previously told us about her parents' very young marriage, so this argument makes perfect sense. She also feels that divorce is sometimes necessary, and cites her parents' case as an example. She says that while at the moment she doesn't see herself ever getting divorced, sometimes things change. One reason she feels that she and her fiancée have a better chance at staying together than her parents did is because of counseling. Karol says, "We know how to talk to each other". It seems that Karol has taken precautionary measures against the communicational problems that plagued her parents, which will probably pay off immeasurably.

Our group from married parents had very similar answers to one another about
marriage, divorce and remarriage. Tom says that marriage is only a good idea if the two people involved are absolutely sure it will last. He says he can see himself getting married sometime in the distant future to someone he loves dearly. He is against divorce unless absolutely necessary, says that too many people rush into marriage, and that, for himself, he "cannot imagine it ever happening. (He) would have to be hurt extremely badly to even consider it". He approves of remarriage, however, if the people learned from their mistakes and are marrying for the 'right reasons'. Fred echoes Tom by saying, "Marriage should be a serious sort of commitment, not the sort of thing you just blunder
into aimlessly", and says that he can see himself getting married eventually. He says that while he thinks divorce is something to be avoided, he adds, "if it came down to getting a divorce or spending the rest of my life in complete misery, I would opt for divorce". On remarriage, he says that it would be harder to trust someone enough to marry a second time. Sally can definitely see herself getting married, and says, "Marriage is a good idea only if you want to spend the rest of your life with the person you marry", and she makes an interesting analogy about divorce:

(Divorce) is a little like the way abortion can be used as a form of birth control-
abortion is helpful and a good idea for people who are pregnant from rape or if
the baby is killing the mother or if the baby will die in the womb. Divorce is good if there is abuse or if there was an arranged marriage that isn't working...or maybe if there is just no love and it was a big mistake.

Sally goes on to say that if divorce reasons were legitimate, remarriage is a good thing if for the reasons she mentioned initially about marriage. Mary says that waiting to be sure is important for marriage, and says, "I still need to make sure I know what I want to do and get out of life. Only then will I be able to say "yes' to marriage". Of divorce, she says that "divorce shouldn't be used as an easy way out, but it definitely is sometimes necessary". While she can't see herself getting a divorce, she admits that she cannot tell what will happen in the future. Remarriage appeals to Mary as a second chance if someone is unfortunate enough to have to divorce. "We can only learn from our mistakes", she says. All of the people from this group view marriage as something that
should only be entered if one is absolutely positive it is the right thing to do and that it will last. Divorce is seen as an undesirable last resort, and remarriage as some sort of new beginning after the disaster of divorce. This matching data shows that children of married parents see marriage as an institution that is 'forever, ideally, and only a choice for those who are very sure of their relationships. At the same time, though, all of these people can see themselves as getting married. A home with unbroken marriage is all they
have ever known, and it is a life that they probably see as the natural and normal way to do things.

Asking children of divorce their own opinions on the effect of their parents'
relationship on their own ideas about love and marriage produced a variety of responses. Larry says, "I personally don't feel it has effected me at all, but there is of course the possibility that it has effected me, and I don't notice it". Marvin says, "I don't think it does (effect me) at all", but then relates that perhaps it has made him more cautious to know what he is getting into before getting married. Shelly says, "seeing my morn divorce three times, I really never wanted to get married until I met (my present boyfriend)." The irony here is that she now believes that her parents' relationship does not effect her romantic outlook, while we can see that it has profoundly effected her choice in men and her decision to stay in a negative relationship. Karol's story is the most uplifting of them all:

I think that it helped me. I learned from their mistakes. However most people would follow in their parents footsteps. During my parents' divorce I was in my own bad relationship - one very similar to my parents'. The divorce was an awakening. It was hard at first, but it made me realize that I was better off alone than to be with someone and abused. It gave me strength. In watching my parents' relationship, I learned and developed my own set of morals and beliefs. I vow never to cheat on anyone in my life. I don't believe in marrying someone only because they'd be a good provider. I believe a lot in love and romance. I believe in being friends as well as lovers. I believe communication plays an important role in a good marriage, and I vow to never give up on a relationship without trying.

Karol, although at first she did not learn from what she saw in her parents' marriage and divorce, now realizes how much it has effected her. In fact, she told me during the interview that she had never really thought about this subject before, and that our interview had made her realize the effect her experience with her parents had had on her. While the other children I interviewed do not seem to realize the extent of the effect of their parents' relationships upon their own lives, I have faith that my interview may have gotten them thinking along these lines.

Among our married-parents group, Tom says that his parents' relationship has
effected him "negatively, because (he) does not feel any love between (his) parents". Fred believes that his parents* marriage has effected him positively, even though he would like his own marriage to be different than theirs. Sally says, "I want it to be totally different. It feels like they don't really love each other because they don't show it". Mary thinks a moment before responding, "well, that's kind of difficult to describe. Although my parents have a very healthy, strong and loving marriage, they are not the kind of people I would want my husband and I to be. ..basically I feel that my views on love and marriage are my own, and not really effected by my parents' relationship". In each case, the children want something for themselves in marriage that differs from the marriage they have seen their parents have. Whether they openly criticize their parents' marriage like Tom or praise it like Mary, what they have been exposed to as children is not something that they want to repeat in their own lives.

The conclusions I have drawn from my studies are many and varied, as I have
previously discussed. Children of divorce are exposed to and forced to deal with issues about marriage and divorce, while children whose parents have never divorced are not. This leads to a more confident attitude on the part of the children of divorce with respects to making their own marriage and relationships work. Children of divorce are all effected in different ways based upon the circumstances of their parents' marriages and divorces, just as the other children are effected differently based upon their parents' marriages. Male children of divorce tend to become more distant and unattached about their own relationships, while females seem to be more active in trying to create that
they feel is an appropriate, deeply involved relationship with someone. In the married-parents group, males seem unsure of love and marriage due at least partially to lack of exposure of such matters from their environment and also based upon fears of eternal commitment. Females in this group experiment with different types of relationships and levels of commitment, virtually erasing the declared love of their past relationships in order to preserve a perfect "one true love" track record. Although opinions on divorce vary across both groups, one universal for all subjects is the desire to and belief that they will get married in the future. Most of the divorce-group did not seem to recognize any effects of their parents relationships upon their own views, while the married-group tended to see their parents' marriage as an example contrary to what they would like their own marriage to be. In each case, then, the children wanted to get something different out of marriage than they had witnessed in their own parents.

This study would have been more conclusive if time had been available for more
interviews as well as years to do follow-up studies on my subjects. However, based upon the length of the project, I believe that the data I have collected shows many of the points brought up by other researchers like Wallerstein and Blakeslee, as well as giving many genuine examples of the children's own insights and explanations of what they know and have seen. How parents' relationships effect their children's outlooks on love and marriage is a question that cannot easily or simply be answered. However, the above information and analysis demonstrates a fascinating microcosm of the beginning of the answers.

Endnotes
1 Judith S. Wallerstein, Ph.D., and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances FNew York:
Ticknor& Fields, 1989) 176.
2 Judith S. Wallerstein, Shauna B. Corbin, and Julia M. Lewis, Children of Divorce: A
IO-Year Study, in Impact of Divorce, Single Parenting, and Stepparenting on Children,
eds., E. Mavis Hetherington and Josephine D. Arasteh (New Jersey: Lawrence Eribaum
Associates, Publishers) 210.
- Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances, 25.
4 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances. 69.
5 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances, 172.
6 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances. 120.
7 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances. 120.
8 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances, 120.
9 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances, 101.
10 Wallerstein and Blakeslee, Second Chances. 24.

Bibliography
(1) Wallerstein, Judith B., Corbin, Shauna B., and Lewis, Julia M. Children of Divorce:
A IP-Year Study. Tn Impact of Divorce, Single Parenting, and Stepparenring on
Children. Eds. E. Mavis Hetherington and Josephine D. Arasteh. New Jersey: Lawrence
Eribaum Associates, Publishers, 1988.
(2) Wallerstein, Judith S., Ph.D., and Blakeslee, Sandra. Second Chances. New York:
Tickner Fields, 1989.

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